Moderator: Good evening and welcome to the umpteenth debate of Republican candidates for the presidential nomination. With us are Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. The usual rules have been agreed upon, though none will be maintained. The first question goes to Senator Santorum. You have said religion in our country is under attack. How would you, as president, deal with various elements of religious angst?
Rick Santorum: This administration openly wages war against anything Christian and a President Santorum would embrace Christianity and hope everyone learns to genuflect.
Moderator: Governor Romney, what about you?
Mitt Romney: I am a conservative.
Moderator: Would you insist that all religions be addressed equally?
Mitt: I don’t know about that but in the private sector I helped create jobs that people took religiously.
Newt Gingrich: May I say something about that?
Moderator: Certainly, Speaker Gingrich, you were next.
Newt: I want to be next, as in the next president, and I know that as president I would not be induced to the colonialism that Obama has initiated in an administration that is akin to the thug-like atheism which is the product of Chicago politics, no less one sympathetic to the liberal agenda that systematically organized the chaos of socialistic uprisings here and abroad.
[APPLAUSE]
Moderator: Mr. Paul, what say you?
Ron Paul: I’m still trying to pick out the nouns in what Speaker Gingrich just said.
[LAUGHTER]
Moderator: Just how do you see the current atmosphere of religion versus politics?
Ron: I don’t feel the government should have a specific religion. The Constitution was not written to accommodate anything but liberty for all and liberty for all I mean just about everyone who is a citizen.
[HOOTS AND HOLLARS]
Moderator: Governor Romney, you have been criticized by the other candidates as being moderate and unappealing to a vast number of party members. How do you respond to this?
Mitt: I am a conservative who conservatively conserves. I have been unprogressive as well. When I was governor, my administration receded from anything that was not conservative. In fact, I was blimpish.
Newt: May I say something?
Moderator: Certainly.
Newt: I was going to use the term ‘blimpish.’ Once again, Governor Romney has attacked me by stealing my vocabulary for his own benefit.
Rick: Excuse me, but I am the blimpish-est of any one on the stage. Certainly, Governor Ramsey …
Mitt: Romney …
Rick: Whatever. If he is going to define the alternative to Obama he should drop out of the race and support me.
Newt: That’s how I feel about Senator Santorum.
Ron: I need to say something here. All this talk about blimps has nothing to do with liberty, which our Constitution makes clear is the key issue and by key issue I mean liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen.
[SHOUTS AND HOOTS]
Moderator: Let’s move on to foreign policy.
Newt: Can I say something here about how the Obama administration has been timid and incapable of arousing envy, no less fear, from all of this country’s enemies, all of whom are embedded in the fiber of our institutions, some of them blatantly covert.
Moderator: What about the nuclear ambitions of Iran?
Rick: We need to have the kind of firepower that can frighten the Iranians, so they know that air strikes are in the near future.
Mitt: I agree but I have an even more conservative view of it. I think America needs to have a military so powerful that one flex of our muscle renders the force of our enemies impotent.
Newt: I was just about to use the phrase ‘renders the force of our enemies impotent.’ I wrote it down here on my notepaper and I think the governor looked at my notes and stole it from me.
Mitt: That is not only false, it isn’t conservative. If I were the moderate that these gentlemen are painting me, then I would have looked at the speaker’s notes. Not only that but the speaker’s handwriting is so awful that no one could read it from this far away. I know I can’t read it.
Ron: I need to say something here and it is much like I have been saying all along, since I was able to speak in fact. All this talk about Iran is just war propaganda. Iran won’t drop a bomb because they know that it would mean war and war is no way to assure liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen.
[SCREAMS AND SHOUTS]
Rick: I disagree with Congressman Paul. War is the only language that jihads understand and it is war with only action words, which I believe are verbs.
Newt: That is correct, senator.
Mitt: But not all verbs are conservative.
Rick: Our country needs to be safe from those who want to destroy it and who are committed to destroy it.
Newt: What we are missing here is the point that if Iran has a nuclear weapon they may not be able to aggregate the fusion of molecules that would initiate complete devastation due to the weapon’s perfunctory purpose. I would tell Israel to call the Palestinians by a different name and see if that doesn’t perpetrate the kind of strength that can turn to fear that can make Iran cower at the thought of such saber rattling.
[APPLAUSE]
Moderator: Governor Romney?
Mitt: What?
Moderator: Did you want to comment on what the speaker said?
Mitt: I can say only that it was not as conservative as I would have put it. As well, the phrase ‘fusion of molecules’ is simply absurd and, in fact, liberal.
Rick: Again, Governor Ramlow …
Mitt: Romney.
Rick: Whatever. The governor, speaker and congressman are all to my left. I am not only the most conservative candidate on the stage, I am literally on the right of them all and in every debate have been positioned here, stage right, because everyone knows I am the man to beat Obama.
Ron: I need to say something here and it is the same thing I have been saying since day one. Where you stand on the stage in debates does not project liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen.
[WAILS AND SCREAMS]
Moderator: That’s all the debate we can take this time around.
Labels: campaigns, comedy, Cotolo, debate, election, President, presidential, primary, Rebublican
Frank Cotolo 4:43 PM
