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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Every day until Christmas Day is Cybershop Day.

Stop thinking about what to get who and get each one a book by Frank Cotolo.

These books have medicinal value. Not if you eat them but if you believe that laughter can heal. If you don't believe that, you may be looking at a future of despair and gloom.

Meanwhile, Happy Holidays to all and go buy books, digital and analog:

The Return of Turk Berain, Skull & Roses, Moon Over Gorgon:

Available at Lulu

Molotov Memoirs

Available at Blurb

License To Skill

Available at Amazon

Frank Cotolo 12:15 PM

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

In 2008 I re-wrote the lyrics to Bob Dylan's song Hurricane, making it into an ode to Barack Obama. It seems time to publish them, since our man Barry is running for re-election. This post is not meant to be an endorsement for either candidate although I am leaning toward the one that had the most to do with killing bin Laden. Here is Obama, sung to the tune of Hurricane.

Democrats were happy come convention time
Kerry thought he had the party all in line
Everyone was ready for an election-day putsch
Getting all the people to vote against George Bush

Here comes the story of Barack Obama
His candidacy caused a political trauma
’Cause we never had a President was black
Not less a person named Barack,
What kinda name is that for a U.S. President?

Suddenly the time came for the keynote address
Obama started talkin’ but not like all the rest
People stood in awe and thoroughly impressed
He didn’t know it then but he’d already passed the test
They knew if they lost in 2004
This guy from Illinois could open the White House door
If he ran for President in ‘08
His chance to win could be great,
In fact it could be nothing less than fate

Kerry lost the election and the years went by
Obama was convinced he could do better than that guy
If he ran as the Democratic nominee
With a platform of hope and change and integrity
He was raising money on the Internet
Raking in the dollars Howard Dean couldn’t get
Then he announced that he would run
He said that he could be the one who made us believe in America again

Soon came time to take out the political artillery
’Cause he’d be running against a Clinton named Hillary
Once we thought the Democrats would hand her the nomination
But Obama made ‘em all take another look at this nation
He shocked and beat her in Iowa
Made the whole damned party take its eye off her
’Cause now they knew that she could lose
And all the headlines in the news said this guy from Illinois
Was no longer a boy

Then Obama had enough delegates
That he won the nomination and went campaigning through the states
He went to all the cities and through amber fields of grain
Talking the living daylights out of John McCain
People ‘round the world threw in their chips
Betting on the senator with the purple lips
And when election day came around
Barack was inauguration bound
We hadda black President, history was made

Now the first hundred days have come and gone
President Obama not havin’ much fun
He starts his new position when the economy tanks
He’s bailing out the auto biz and most of the banks
And now the world is watching close
While the conservatives give him a dose
Of what every U.S. leader gets
Don’t matter if he’s black or white
They say he ain’t doing right and fat Rush wants him to fail

Maybe he’ll do good for us or maybe not so well
The times are not a-changing, the world’s a livin’ hell
Still Obama keeps his cool while standing up strong
And guys like us do nothing but we did write this song.
So far that’s the story of Barack Obama
His candidacy caused a political trauma
’Cause we never had a President was black
Not less a person named Barack,
What kinda name is that for a U.S. President?

Frank Cotolo 12:31 PM

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Among other things, I have been an American adventurer, a man who challenged the elements, sometimes two and three at a time. I have almost been killed many times while attempting to defy fiery conditions, watery graves and a flight in an airplane built by John Denver.
I am here to write about one of my greatest adventures, one that took me to the summit of Mount Everest, where bad weather created deadly conditions so bad they could kill you.
I wasn’t climbing for the twelfth time just to make the count an even dozen (I am the only man ever to climb Mount Everest successfully while reading The Odyssey—backwards); I was traversing the congested trails in search of a lost climbing party.
This group of seven people braved the mountain’s “dead zone,” the twenty-nine thousand foot peak, and lost communication a day after they should have arrived. A month later, relatives became concerned and called me.
I set out for the mountain despite having been diagnosed with a mild case of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I was alone but not by choice. Two of the three partners who usually climbed with me had died in air-circus accidents and one had reached an age his doctor said was far too old for him to be capable of negotiating eighty-miles-an-hour winds. Then again, this guy was always a bit of a wimp.
Some of the winds on the trail caused me to stall at one of the “choke points” reached. Climbers call them choke points because the wind is so fierce it literally grabs your throat and squeezes, taking the breath from you so strongly that at times you can speak no louder than a character played by Clint Eastwood.
When the wind died I screamed the names of people from the party. When there were no answers I realized that the avalanche that was starting had been caused by the volume of my voice. I quickly nailed my boots to a ledge and let snow boulders break around me. When the avalanche was over I plied my boots out of the ground and continued to ascend.
Almost at the peak, I realized that the photographs the lost party’s relatives had given me were useless, since the pictures showed each person in a swimsuit. I would have to identify them some other way. If they were alive, I thought, I could show them the photos and ask each one to identify his or herself.  
As I reached the top I was once again mesmerized by the majesty of the view. I never grew tired of looking out into the eternal vastness, with its hues and magical cloud shapes. But then I realized the lost party was nowhere around me, meaning they were still lost, perhaps dead. I mourned them for a moment and then began my descent.  
It turned out that all seven were alive and had fallen in the avalanche to a point where they could climb down safely. Aside from being hungry and dehydrated, they were all well enough to play Parcheesi that evening after a bath.

The families thanked me when I returned. I was off, then, to Africa, where I was going to live with a troop of gorillas that scientists were convinced could learn to play string instruments.

Frank Cotolo 11:27 AM

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I am not at liberty to reveal all of the marvelous women whom have made love to me over the past three decades. If I were, I would mention them by name and you would be jealous, envious and a lot of you would also say, "Who?"  

Still, I want to tell you a story of one very famous woman who gave herself to me but I have to disguise her by using the name "Penelope" and remind you that any resemblance to a very famous woman, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

I met Penelope on the set of a movie she was making when she was pulling in a mil a film. She saw me staring.  

"You are staring," she said.

"And you are starring," I said. "That is the difference of one letter. What are the odds of that?"  

She was impressed with my quick wit and after the next scene she invited me into her trailer for a coffee. Once in, she gave me coffee and said, "You don't mind if I use the styrofoam cup for you, right?"

"Not a bit," I said.

"I save the glass cups for important movie stars."


"Of course."

"Are they all as handsome as me?"

"No. Some of them are very ugly but their teeth are better than your teeth. Still, they have money and I don't want to be intimate with any shlub."

"So you brought a shlub in here because you are attracted to this shlub?"

"I didn't even notice you until you I saw you staring at me. But then you are right about staring and starring. That is almost, how do you say it? Kismit?"

"I think that is how you say it. Accent on 'kis.'"

"So then, you want to stay in the trailer until I am done and meet me at the Roosevelt Hotel later?"

"Is that where you are staying?"

"No, that is where I will be later, if you want to meet me there you can. Everyone thinks I am going to the Sheridan, so no one will see you with me, which is important."

"I understand. Sure."  

We met later at the Roosevelt and I have to tell you, she was beautiful and smelled like a bed of roses. She liked my vest and she took me into the hallway in the back of the kitchen and we did it in public, against the wall and I swear two Mexican busboys were watching.  

Afterwards, she made me wear fake eyeglasses and a plastic beard and we had an expensive dinner in the restaurant. She paid with a credit card. I offered to leave a tip but she said that two dollars was not enough. She told me that I should meet her at the trailer again in the morning and I told her I couldn't do that.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I don't want you to thinkI am taking advantage of you," I said.

"But you are," she said. 

I agreed and then met her in the morning.  

The affair went on for a while and then she got a part in a movie and had to go to Barcelona on location. She told me that she was bound to fall in love with her leading man and that would be the end of our relationship. When I told her it was too late because I had fallen in love with her she slapped me and called the studio security guards. They escorted me off of the grounds.  

I never saw her again, except in movies that I still watch over and over. I especially love the one where she is the .... Opps, I almost gave it away. Let's leave it at that.

For now.

Frank Cotolo 12:36 PM

Monday, February 13, 2012

Moderator: Good evening and welcome to the umpteenth debate of Republican candidates for the presidential nomination. With us are Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. The usual rules have been agreed upon, though none will be maintained. The first question goes to Senator Santorum. You have said religion in our country is under attack. How would you, as president, deal with various elements of religious angst?

Rick Santorum: This administration openly wages war against anything Christian and a President Santorum would embrace Christianity and hope everyone learns to genuflect. 

Moderator: Governor Romney, what about you? 

Mitt Romney: I am a conservative. 

Moderator: Would you insist that all religions be addressed equally? 

Mitt: I don’t know about that but in the private sector I helped create jobs that people took religiously. 

Newt Gingrich: May I say something about that? 

Moderator: Certainly, Speaker Gingrich, you were next. 

Newt: I want to be next, as in the next president, and I know that as president I would not be induced to the colonialism that Obama has initiated in an administration that is akin to the thug-like atheism which is the product of Chicago politics, no less one sympathetic to the liberal agenda that systematically organized the chaos of socialistic uprisings here and abroad. 


Moderator: Mr. Paul, what say you? 

Ron Paul: I’m still trying to pick out the nouns in what Speaker Gingrich just said. 


Moderator: Just how do you see the current atmosphere of religion versus politics? 

Ron: I don’t feel the government should have a specific religion. The Constitution was not written to accommodate anything but liberty for all and liberty for all I mean just about everyone who is a citizen. 


Moderator: Governor Romney, you have been criticized by the other candidates as being moderate and unappealing to a vast number of party members. How do you respond to this? 

Mitt: I am a conservative who conservatively conserves. I have been unprogressive as well. When I was governor, my administration receded from anything that was not conservative. In fact, I was blimpish. 

Newt: May I say something? 

Moderator: Certainly. 

Newt: I was going to use the term ‘blimpish.’ Once again, Governor Romney has attacked me by stealing my vocabulary for his own benefit.  

Rick: Excuse me, but I am the blimpish-est of any one on the stage. Certainly, Governor Ramsey … 

Mitt: Romney … 

Rick: Whatever. If he is going to define the alternative to Obama he should drop out of the race and support me. 

Newt: That’s how I feel about Senator Santorum. 

Ron: I need to say something here. All this talk about blimps has nothing to do with liberty, which our Constitution makes clear is the key issue and by key issue I mean   liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen. 


Moderator: Let’s move on to foreign policy. 

Newt: Can I say something here about how the Obama administration has been timid and incapable of arousing envy, no less fear, from all of this country’s enemies, all of whom are embedded in the fiber of our institutions, some of them blatantly covert.  

Moderator: What about the nuclear ambitions of Iran? 

Rick: We need to have the kind of firepower that can frighten the Iranians, so they know that air strikes are in the near future. 

Mitt: I agree but I have an even more conservative view of it. I think America needs to have a military so powerful that one flex of our muscle renders the force of our enemies impotent. 

Newt: I was just about to use the phrase ‘renders the force of our enemies impotent.’ I wrote it down here on my notepaper and I think the governor looked at my notes and stole it from me.  

Mitt: That is not only false, it isn’t conservative. If I were the moderate that these gentlemen are painting me, then I would have looked at the speaker’s notes. Not only that but the speaker’s handwriting is so awful that no one could read it from this far away. I know I can’t read it. 

Ron: I need to say something here and it is much like I have been saying all along, since I was able to speak in fact. All this talk about Iran is just war propaganda. Iran won’t drop a bomb because they know that it would mean war and war is no way to assure liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen. 


Rick: I disagree with Congressman Paul. War is the only language that jihads understand and it is war with only action words, which I believe are verbs. 

Newt: That is correct, senator. 

Mitt: But not all verbs are conservative. 

Rick: Our country needs to be safe from those who want to destroy it and who are committed to destroy it. 

Newt: What we are missing here is the point that if Iran has a nuclear weapon they may not be able to aggregate the fusion of molecules that would initiate complete devastation due to the weapon’s perfunctory purpose. I would tell Israel to call the Palestinians by a different name and see if that doesn’t perpetrate the kind of strength that can turn to fear that can make Iran cower at the thought of such saber rattling.  


Moderator: Governor Romney? 

Mitt: What? 

Moderator: Did you want to comment on what the speaker said? 

Mitt: I can say only that it was not as conservative as I would have put it. As well, the phrase ‘fusion of molecules’ is simply absurd and, in fact, liberal.  

Rick: Again, Governor Ramlow … 

Mitt: Romney. 

Rick: Whatever. The governor, speaker and congressman are all to my left. I am not only the most conservative candidate on the stage, I am literally on the right of them all and in every debate have been positioned here, stage right, because everyone knows I am the man to beat Obama. 

Ron: I need to say something here and it is the same thing I have been saying since day one. Where you stand on the stage in debates does not project liberty for just about everyone who is a citizen. 


Moderator: That’s all the debate we can take this time around.  

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Frank Cotolo 4:43 PM

Friday, February 03, 2012

I was hanging out at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch for a few months when a few of the working girls suddenly decided to go politico, so to speak, and support Ron Paul in the Nevada caucuses.

“They should call the Nevada primary voting ‘Caucus Caucus,’” I told one of the girls.

“This is serious stuff,” Pearltooth, a working gal popular for her unique ability to imitate Wayne Newton while performing oral pleasures, said.

Most of Carson City’s colorful brothel employees were serious when they said publicly they liked Ron Paul’s “positions.” I knew then that this was too easy to make jokes about and that I needed to respect the girls’ love for individual liberties in a broader sense (no pun intended).

However, I must admit that I was becoming jealous of the attention Mr. Paul was receiving. Since I began hanging out at the ranch I was twice voted “Most Handsome Customer For His Age,” as well as I was the only regular not using Viagra.

“I am very much for individual liberties,” I shouted in the waiting room as some gals paraded their goods.

Just then, a man with a Newt Gingrich grimace who had been waiting an hour to be served, growled, “Who does someone have to f^^k to get laid around here?”

I asked the girls why they didn’t go for Mitt Romney, who was younger and more handsome than Mr. Paul.

“I don’t like how Mormons taste,” said Sally Grinds.

“The idea of having an orgasm and shouting ‘Mitt’ just turns me off,” said Jane Belows.

“If he is as stiff down there as he is giving a speech, I might change my mind,” said Moore Eaton.

I promised them all I would help them campaign for Mr. Paul and eventually I became a supporter, too. I am hoping that if Mr. Paul becomes President we can legalize prostitution all over the country and I can earn a handsome living as an agent for all my girlfriends. Yes, that would make me a pimp but that’s just one small step above being a politician.

Frank Cotolo 1:35 PM

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Did you know that New Year’s Day in modern America was not always Jan. 1?
The oldest holiday in the book was first observed in ancient Babylon 4,000 years ago, when they started writing “the book.”
Around 2000 B.C., the Babylonian New Year began with the first new moon after the first day of spring. The Babylonian celebration lasted for 11 days, though it is suspected that no Babylonian could count past 10. There was no encouragement to use alcoholic beverages but people gathered in groups of three or more, got drunk and exchanged tunics.
The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year because it has astronomical significance. It is, for one, the date when the first astrologer rhymed a male body part with the planet Venus.
The Romans observed New Year in late March. One day, an emperor, Alotus Tamperus, messed up the calendar while he fondled nubile servants. So, the calendar became out of sync with the sun and all of the servants contagious with STDs.
In 153 B.C. the Roman senate declared Jan. 1 to be the beginning of the New Year. In 46 B.C., Julius Caesar established the Julian Calendar almost immediately after using his name for a new potato recipe.
That made Jan.1 New Year’s Day again. But in order to synchronize his calendar with the sun, Caesar had to make the current year go on for 445 days instead of 365. This threw the chariot-racing season, among other Roman events, into turmoil. 

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Frank Cotolo 12:46 PM

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